I’ve been busy doing my taxes, writing a new book and finishing publishing the tenth Bill Reyner story. I know, it’s just an excuse. So I thought I’d like to write something a little different. Kids often say things that adults wouldn’t dream of saying, therefore let’s have a little look at some.
Teacher – Children do any of you know where Christ is?
Boy in front row – Yes Miss, he lives in my bathroom.
Not wishing to destroy the child’s faith she asks – How do you know that, Johnny?
Johnny – Because every morning my dad bangs on the bathroom door and shouts, “Jesus Christ are you still in there?”
A little Irish lad from poor parents playing with my children. I thought I would be nice to go see the sea. “So Christopher we’re all going to the beach would you like to come along?”
“To the beach?”
“Yes. Would you like to come with us?”
He shook his head and looked puzzled. “To the beach?”
“Yes. You do know what a beach is don’t you?”
The kid smiled. “Sure, it’s, a female dog.”
Showing off I thought I’d show my granddaughter how good I was at flying a model helicopter. We took the machine outside and I demonstrated several neat manoeuvres but whilst returning from a particularly difficult exercise the machine collided with a tree – pieces of helicopter all over the place. “Oh dear,” I said. “I seem to have made a bit of a blunder.”
Three-year-old Kate placed her hands on her hips and admonished me with, “Well, Grandad, you will just have to try harder next time.”
How come every book of the Bill Reyner series has a good looking girl on it except one – Mania? Now that’s an easy one – in fact all books of the series have a beautiful girl on the cover. Fiend’s Gold depicts a blond psychopathic killer. She’s beautiful and very deadly as Bill quickly found out. In Mania the front cover depicts the unfortunate little Mary Bean, she was murdered by the cult and buried in the forest. Forman Roy found the skull. With Edinburgh Cuckoos we only show the sexy leg of a hostile and gun toting Scottish murderer who fools Bill into thinking she’s his friend. Meall McLean is friendly, sexy, willing and polite, but turn your back and your dead. When Bill looked into the mystery of a vanishing Jean Williams he runs into an evil genius who trades in spare body parts. Poor Jean is on the cover. Damp Graves refers to the disposal of the unwanted body pieces. Now Lions and Christians is a fun story, where Bill gets into loads of trouble, but like all good heroes he comes through in the end and he gets the girl. This time the girl is a lovely Chinese woman Tan Chu. The very serious woman on the cover of The Canadian is in fact Bill’s mentor and sometimes his tormentor, Jane Overland. The Dutchman is much brighter and sports a lovely American Miss with the stars and stripes. She is of course Deloris Sondecker, one of the captain’s many willing young assistants. I didn’t want to use Deloris twice so when it came to The Mermaid I made use of the motorcycle gang’s moll. I thought she looked nice, even though her master was not. Although Bill tries to be a good business man he can’t make up his mind what business he wants to be in – helicopters, airlines, mining, or even detective work. But with a little push from almost everyone he makes a million out of the three inventors who created The Magnuscarter. The cover is a depiction of the dead girl found in the snow. Lastly we have The Agency, the newest one in the series. The cover picture is the pitiable mindless Pauline Eldridge who Bill rescues -oh, wait a minute, maybe it’s the other way round? Keep your eyes peeled, for The Agency, it should be on the market any minute now. Excitement, murder and mystery abounds, but Bill comes to the rescue.
Some people ask me, “Why Bill Reyner?” I suppose that’s a good question, as I don’t really have an answer. I like Bill, but I think I like poor old Newf more. Bill’s a little bit of a bully and a show off, whereas Newf merrily wends his way through life absorbing Bill’s derogatory remarks. Bill has a knack of finding trouble – he’s the magnet and disasters are the iron filings. If there’s any problem in any neighbourhood Bill will surely stumble into it. I particularly enjoyed writing Lions and Christians. For some reason that story just flowed, I could see every detail through my mind’s eye. Wilson was just asking for it and poor Bill wasn’t up to it, but the Canadian Air Force surely did a fine job on him, and the Major, I just loved giving him his comeuppance.
In Damp Graves Bill was up against a man of high intellect but none-the-less managed to confuse him into making mistakes, even so Newf was the hero and actually did all the rescuing. I think the Dutchman is my second favourite. The story is loosely based on the London gold robbery. They got caught because they were too greedy. In the Dutchman my bad guys were smarter, but not quite smart enough. I visited the area and the church in question. I had a ball along that wonderful Norfolk coast. Bill fell head over heels in love with a girl from a local post office. In real life I met her, she was magnificently beautiful, but one early morning when I went to buy my breakfast, (yes from the post office.) I saw her kissing another woman. Well I just had to introduce her to Bill, not that the real girl would ever know.
I’ve just finished the tenth story in the Bill Reyner series, Agency. This time Bill’s up against an evil genius scientist. After starting his new detective agency Bill takes a holiday in the wild. Only Bill Reyner could pick the exact spot where evil abounds. Outwitted at every turn, his old buddy Hugh Zaskin quietly threads the pieces together.
Now of course I can’t just sit and hope there’s another story somewhere. No, I’ve started the eleventh book in the series. This one’s called Cursed. It will explain all the background skipped in the first ten books. For example, what happened to Newf’s mother? Why does Newf speak so funny? How did Bill’s parents die? Where did Jane Overland come from? and a hundred other questions that fans have asked me. Cursed neatly ties them all together into a another horrifying and deadly tale of mystery and suspense.
I’ve sort of neglected the blog lately as I have been very busy moving Bill Reyner and company over to I & W Johnson Books, from the old publisher. It takes me about 20 hours to get one story transferred and into e-book formant. Good news!! In a week or so all Bill Reyner books will be in e-book and paperback at a slightly lower price than before and available worldwide.
At the same time I have been writing the tenth book in the series. Wow! If I got paid the minimum wage for this job I’d be rich. The more people who know me the more e-mails I get. It’s imperative that I answer my fans even before I start my day’s work. I get communications from India, Indonesia, Malaya, and even France, not to mention USA, UK and Canada. I’m not complaining – I love to hear from you wherever you are.
I think this week I would just like to complain for once – things I don’t like. The funny thing is the things that upset me most is people who distort the language, even though I have poor old Newf with his murdered English. For example my hair stands on end when people, particularly radio and TV personalities who will pronounce the ‘L’ in walk, talk, chalk, palm and almond. In English and these words the ‘L’ is silent, just like the ‘P’ in swimming. Ha, ha. Another one that raises my hackles is English or American people who say ’erbs. Take note and check your pronunciation dictionary. The word is Herb with an ‘H’. Only French people drop the ‘H’. Otherwise we’d say ’ouse, ’appy, Uncle ’arry, if you see what I mean. So, you could say ’ang your ’at in the ’all ’arry and we’ll all ’ave a cup o’ ’erbal tea. Doh !!!
Before I leave this subject, never to return. There are two other hackle raisers. Many American’s say semi, pronounced sem-eye. Check your dictionary, it’s semi pronounced semee or semy. Then you have mobile, pronounced by many as mobeel – should be mob-isle as in the ‘Isle’ of Man.
Now if I haven’t lost all my followers !!! Have fun and keep reading.
Firstly I would like to say that there is no such place as Hope Island, at least not in the Banda Sea. Many years ago I was on pirate patrol in the South China Sea in a hundred and fifty ton twin engine TTL, when suddenly on this particular occasion I spotted a fairly fast moving object on the radar crossing our bow at about 18 kilometres ahead. I told the skipper there was something suspicious at the relevant location.
Full throttle and we steered at high speed toward the blip. Before we made visual contact, as was the case with most pirates their speed suddenly decreased. They would pretend to be harmless traders or fishing. The lookout visually spotted them – sure enough it looked like a harmless Junk, probably an island trader. But the radar had told me these boys were doing 16 knots, something no Junk could achieve.
The skipper ordered a shot across their bow to attract their attention. No sooner had we opened fire than a cloud of diesel fumes rose from the Junk and she accelerated to almost 18 knots and headed for a nearby island.
In seconds we heard the scream of incoming mortars – their accuracy was pretty good and the shells landed only a hundred metres off our port bow. We returned fire with a twin 50-calibre machinegun. Unfortunately the pirates knew the waters better then we did, our skipper veered off the attack. The water was far too shallow for us to follow. We stayed out of the enemy’s mortar range and called the Royal Navy for help while keeping an eye on the pirates.
A few hours later a Royal Navy Corvette turned up, she carried six-inch guns with at least ten nautical mile range. The RN Skipper said he’d chase them out with a few heavy-duty rounds. The big gun turned to face the island, and ‘BANG’ a huge shell screamed toward the shore. With an amazing shower of dirt, sand and splintered wood the pirate ship exploded and vanished from sight.
“Sorry old man,” called the RN Skipper over the radio. ” A little too close.” And they sailed away.
The island though probably not inhabited inspired me to write the story of ‘The Dragon of Hope Island.’ My thinking being that those pirates saw the place as their only HOPE of escaping our fast boat.
They say dragons do not exist, except of course the Komodo dragon. Nonetheless it’s all very interesting. Take St George for instance, was the man in the habit of telling lies? Is the holy Roman Church in on the fake too? Well legend has it that St George came to a town, which was being plagued by a fierce dragon. The locals appeased the animal by sacrificing a maiden daily. Legend has it that he captured the dragon and used the maiden’s girdle as a harness. He took the beast to show the townies and killed it. However he came to a sticky end near Lydda where he himself was brutally murdered and later the Catholic Church canonized him for being a hero, and of course a Christian.
One thing I do know for a fact – I wrote three books inspired by the myth of St George. A Dual Tale tells the dragon’s side of the story and explains how they really do exist. Then of course there’s the second part of the dual tale, that’s about a cat and a very smart cat she is. The secret of Castle Duncan is the second book and tells how the dragon and the cat came to live in Scotland. Trouble at Castle Duncan is the last of the trilogy when the world falls apart caused by diamond thieves. However like all good fairytales everything works out all right in the end. The first book should be out in a week or two and the rest by the end of the year – just in time for the perfect Christmas gift. (Hint… hint…)
Back by popular demand. Yes that’s right, Bill is back and this time in hard cover, paperback and e-book. Any minute now the ninth book in the Bill Reyner adventure series will hit the shelves, Magnuscarter. Surprisingly there’s also another and very exciting development. Yet another book is also about to hit the shelves. No I haven’t been sleeping. I’ve been hard at work trying to please my fans.
Have you ever been to Norfolk England? Doesn’t matter, I have. I did some excellent exploring of the North Norfolk coast and it inspired me to write another book. Yeah, it’s true I did Bill in the Dutchman, and that was on the same coast. But this time it’s an exciting fiction using real places, which includes murder and robbery. There’s also a load more skullduggery going on, some shocking and some humorous.
The village of Sea Palling fell into the sea during a storm, and sometime later the village of Trimingham followed. The whole North Norfolk coast is highly active and unstable. Exactly! Just the place for a mystery. This time a cat is the key to it’s solution.
Keep your eyes peeled for Happisburgh High-jinks. Just one word of warning, Happisburgh is pronounced Hay’s Borough, or as they would say in the Americas Haysboro.
Keep on reading.
The ninth book in the Bill Reyner series is complete and submitted to a publisher. With luck we should see it on the market some time in the next three months. This time we’re going the whole HOG; it’ll be available in e-book, paperback and hardcover. Although I have already started on ten and have planned eleven, I thought the Caribbean would be a good venue for a story about our hero Mr. Reyner.
Wow! Well I went in search of an escapade for Bill, although I found loads of adventure it just didn’t seem to be in the same vane as Bill. I think if he were to go there he would have far too much fun to bother with mystery and danger. We only visited five islands – all very beautiful and very tropical. Beautiful pastel coloured houses shrouded either in palm trees or tropical nut trees with mountains and volcanoes in the background.
The local inhabitants seem to be very happy and have an excellent sense of humour. They particularly liked cemetery jokes. Every guide we met had at least one graveyard gag.
“The cemetery you’ll notice is in the middle of town.” Spoken of course with a Caribbean accent. “We carls it the dead centre.”
“Yar’ll notice thar’s a wall around the cemetery. It’s far protection, people are jus’ dyin’ to get in.”
“We calls it the last motel, as the road don’t go no farther.”
“You know why they doon’t bury the people who live in St Kitts in that cemetery? – Cuz they ain’t dead yet.”
So keep reading Bill, especially the new one “Magnuscarter” and if you get the chance to see the Caribbean take it and don’t look back.